The Cockroach Herald

Voice of the Lazy & Unemployed.

A new political party launches — in formal protest of being called cockroaches by the same people who govern us in three accents and four photo-ops a day.

By Riza · Staff Correspondent · Filed remotely · 22:47 IST

Above: The Founder, photographed at the inaugural rally, performs a folded-arm namaste before the tricolor. Sources close to the Party confirm the gesture was not a stunt and the photographer was not paid in cash.

NEW DELHI — A new political outfit calling itself the Cockroach Janta Party (CJP) announced its existence on Wednesday, declaring itself the official representative of the country's lazy, unemployed, over-qualified, chronically online, and quietly furious. The party has five demands, zero corporate donors, no fly-past helicopter, and exactly one founder.

The launch comes weeks after a sitting Member of Parliament referred to the country's young people as "cockroaches infesting the internet" — a remark that has since been viewed 47 million times, defended by three news anchors, and turned into a perfectly serviceable political brand.

"They tried to step on us. We came back — with a manifesto."

The CJP's founder declined a press conference, opting instead to publish the manifesto online in a format the Vishwaguru's IT cell calls "anti-national" and the rest of us call "a website." The party promises no temples, no freebies, no Davos trips, and no scheduled 8 a.m. tweet about how 56 inches of chest can solve unemployment.

What it does promise: five clear demands, an honest budget of ₹0, the right to complain in English, Hindi, and meme — and, crucially, never to refer to the founder as "vikas purush," "chowkidar," or any other rebrand of authority that ends in a coffee table book.

The party's stated mission, in the founder's own words: "Build a party for the young people who keep getting called lazy, chronically online, and — most recently — cockroaches. That's it. That's the mission. The rest is satire."

Membership applications, as we go to press, are open to anyone with two functioning thumbs and at least one functioning grievance. Continued on Page 2 →

The Five Demands.

Read it once. Read it twice. Then send it to one (1) uncle on WhatsApp. We will know if you don't.

No Chief Justice of India shall be granted a Rajya Sabha seat as a post-retirement reward for a "favourable" judgment. The robe is not a job application. — Proposed amendment to the Honour of the Bench Act, 2026

If any legitimate vote is deleted — in a CJP-ruled state or otherwise — the Chief Election Commissioner shall be arrested under UAPA. Taking away the voting rights of citizens is no less than terrorism. — Filed under: Things The CEC Did Not Expect To Read This Week

Women shall receive 50% reservation, not 33%, without increasing the strength of Parliament. Half of all Cabinet positions, including the prestigious "Minister of Whatever the PM Doesn't Want to Handle," shall also be reserved for women. — Recommended by literally arithmetic

All media houses owned by Ambani and Adani shall have their broadcast licences cancelled to make way for truly independent media. Bank accounts of Godi anchors who shout "Pakistan!" five times a minute shall be investigated for evidence of, well, anything. — Republic of India ≠ Republic of Republic

Any MLA or MP who defects from one party to another — whether by helicopter, ED notice, or "personal reasons" — shall be barred from contesting elections and holding any public office for 20 years. The Maharashtra-Madhya Pradesh-Karnataka-Goa Helicopter Industry will be required to find honest work. — A one-line addition to the Tenth Schedule. Took us 30 minutes. Parliament has had 36 years.

A Vishwaguru, Without A Class.

An open letter to the man who has been Prime Minister, Pradhan Sevak, Chowkidar, Vikas Purush, Mitron, Mauni Baba, and — most recently — silent.

Dear Sir, we hope this column finds you between two photo-ops and one foreign hug. We are writing because the country needs to ask, very politely and only in writing — where did the money go?

You promised two crore jobs a year. We checked. We could not find them. We checked again. They were not behind the curtain. They were not in the speech. They were not in the pakora stall the Finance Minister recommended. We are forced to conclude that the jobs were, in fact, in Mann Ki Baat, Episode 87, between minute 32 and minute 33, where they remain to this day, undisturbed.

You demonetised the country at 8 p.m. on a Tuesday and apologised in 0 episodes since. The black money you went looking for was found, by Indians, in their own savings accounts. You called this a success. We are still counting the loose change.

"56 inches of chest. 0 inches of an answer to a single press question in 11 years."

You toured America. You toured the UAE. You toured a Madison Square Garden. You toured a Howdy. You toured a Namaste. You did not, however, tour Manipur. You did not tour Hathras. You did not tour the queue outside the SBI counter in November 2016. You did not tour the migrant highway in April 2020. There is, we are told, no airbase in those places convenient enough to land.

You did, however, find time to inaugurate a Central Vista. You found ₹20,000 crore for it. You found a new aircraft. You found a new uniform for the same staff. You found a new name for an old stadium. You did not, alas, find a Cabinet meeting on the day farmers were sleeping on a highway in winter.

You speak of Vishwaguru. The world's biggest universities have, very kindly, sent us a fax. They say a Vishwaguru takes questions. Sir, you have taken zero. Even Ms. Smriti Irani has taken more — and she does not always wait for them to be asked.

We are not against you, Sir. We are merely against the version of India you sell at airports — glossy, hardback, ₹1,800 — and the version we actually live in, which is paperback, falling apart at the spine, and full of typos like "unemployment is at a 45-year low." One of those numbers is correct. It is the 45.

Yours in resistance,
The Editorial Board
The Cockroach Herald

Box · A Brief Glossary

Mitron — Term of endearment. Often precedes the removal of your savings.
Achhe Din — A train. Has not yet arrived at the platform. Has been "delayed" since 2014.
Mann Ki Baat — A monologue. 30 minutes long. Zero follow-up questions.
Vishwaguru — World teacher. Does not, however, accept feedback.
Chowkidar — A guard. Surprisingly, also the title given to the man at whose watch demonetisation, the migrant crisis, and Adani's net worth occurred.
56" chest — A unit of measure. Has not been verified by any tailor or any answer.
Howdy Modi — A rally. Held in Texas. Attended by 50,000 NRIs and 0 voters who pay GST.
Pakora Economics — A theory. The Finance Minister recommends it. He has not eaten one in public since.

Sidebar · A Partial Score

Press conferences taken in 11 years: 0
Foreign trips: 78
Cabinet meetings during the 2020 lockdown: ask Adani
"Mann Ki Baat" episodes: 119
Episodes which mentioned unemployment: Page not found
Adani's net worth, 2014: $7 billion
Adani's net worth, 2024: $84 billion
Coincidences, official count: 0

Classifieds.

Submitted by readers. Verified by no one. Printed as a public service.

Wanted

One (1) Cabinet Meeting

Lightly used. Last spotted May 2020. Reward offered for safe return. No questions asked, except by us.

Contact: The Citizens of India

For Sale

Election Commission, Slightly Used

All three EVM buttons still functional, though all three connect to the same outcome. Asking price: one (1) democracy. OBO.

Owner: Anonymous · Pin: 110001

Lost

₹2,000 Notes

Last seen circulating in November 2016. Owners may have already passed away in queues. Inquire at the RBI, second window, between 11 a.m. and pretend.

Reward: dignity

Employment

8 Crore Jobs / Year

Promised in 2014. Renewed in 2019. Renewed again in 2024. Position remains open. Salary: an emotional speech. Hours: while the SIM is working.

Apply to: PMO · No reply guaranteed

Service

Pakora Economics, Tutoring

Learn how to grade a stall outside the metro as "self-employment." Diploma in NSSO Massaging available. Side syllabus: how to call 45-year-high unemployment a "data revision."

Faculty: A Finance Minister, Anonymous

Missing Person

A Press Conference

Has not been seen with the Prime Minister since May 2014. Photograph attached: blank. If found, please ask three follow-up questions and then escape immediately.

Reward: democracy

For Rent

A Spine

Available for hire by news anchors, Election Commissioners, and CBI officials. Rates negotiable. Discount available for repeat customers who promise not to use it.

Stock: low

Notice

PM CARES Fund — Annual Report

The Annual Report for the financial year is not available. The RTI Act does not apply. The CAG does not audit. The taxpayer does not need to know. The fund cares, however, very deeply.

Filed under: Trust us, bro

Coming Soon

A 400-Paar Apology Tour

Tickets free. Venue: every channel except NDTV (since 2022). Q&A: not permitted. Photographs: 47 (with Adani, optional).

Voice of the Lazy & Unemployed.

The Five Demands.

A Vishwaguru, Without A Class.

Classifieds.

Are You Eligible to Join the Cockroach Janta Party?

Letters to the Editor.